Chapter Eight
Oh Divine
whomever, help my obsessive heart! Being a compulsive thinker makes for a
challenging meditation practice. Always for me, writing will ease the mind. We’ve given
it a good go, as we've been trying to be content with the fact that we
won’t be having a biological child between us. Yet, the sadness keeps
coming in waves, and I keep trying to mother random beings like an impulse that
won’t let up. I look for excuses to hold the baby next door so that the mom can
do “hands-free” tasks. I treat our pets like human babies, but I’m not the only
one! Stephen decorated the Christmas tree recently with our kitten, Misha,
snuggled into a baby sling on his chest. I am smothering poor Eva, who is in
the thick of developing her independence. I keep bringing up our nursing
relationship and stories from her first few years. She keeps tolerating it, but
I can tell that she hopes this will pass soon. I need a receptacle for all this
damn mothering! Eva recently opened my laptop to look for a film and found my
browsing that landed on “adopting an infant from India.” She asked if we were
“getting one” and promptly informed me that it would be fine with her
(presumably so that I stop threatening to have “Eva’s Milk” tattooed across my
breasts).
So
for a few days following a morning when Stephen entertained an exploratory coffee-talk
discussion about adoption on the couch, I’ve been fixated on the
idea. What would it mean? Would I be totally nuts to consider giving up my
freedom and money and time to raise another woman’s baby? But then again,
that’s the point. It would be our baby. No less his or mine. Ours to give a
life to. Bio-mom gives the body, and gracefully, an opportunity at life; we
give the baby her life. Giving up being pregnant and birthing is a great loss
for me. I would want to share and witness every single drop of the baby’s life
beyond birth. Is this possible? Am I meant to mother a gift from another woman?
If we dive in, will we be guaranteed a baby one day or will we be set up for
another potential dark period of acceptance that this desire is simply not
meant to be for us? So many questions.
Oh
but how so very convenient it would be to just accept and move on. Why is
contentment so elusive? It feels like something primal demands the more challenging path. And our discussions roll on. Stephen is quickly becoming
attached to the idea, increasingly comfortable in his wisdom that once the
emotions have claimed their stake on an idea, the mind will find a way to
justify it. If he weren’t such a practical and methodical man, that would scare
me. Instead, it excites me that he not only has emotions, but also understands
and articulates his emotions around our parenting “from scratch” together. Then the next task was to deal with my fears and reservations in the only ways I know how: research,
read, learn, discuss, journal…oh and get a tarot card reading from a trusted
friend.
My
cards read clearly one Saturday, thank the Goddess, because I had fast
approached my ceiling of tolerance for indecisiveness. In sum, choosing not to
adopt would be the easy road with plenty of material gratification, but a
nagging restlessness for the alternate life. In the end, this path was internally
negative with stagnation and regret at the center of my experience. Choosing to
adopt and raise another baby, on the other hand, was fraught with difficulties
that loomed just beyond the obvious. In other words, there will probably be
hidden challenges so expect the unexpected hard times. In the end, though, the
reward is to be hugely positive and satisfying on a deep emotional level. Also
on this path, resources are still plentiful and basic needs are met. Very
reassuring. This reading reminded me of one that I had when I was hoping and
wondering if I might ever find myself a mother to begin with back in my late
twenties. I was, at the time 14 years ago, in a relationship with a woman who
was a bit older and really didn’t have the mindset for parenting. The reading
assured that I would find myself connected to a curly, dark-haired man without
a purpose who I would have a baby with. This in fact came true months later and
Eva came sweetly into my life just as I turned 30. The reader went on to say,
though I didn’t ask, that this child would not be my only one, but that the
others would come to me in different ways that she could not interpret. I
remembered this when Stephen’s boys came into my life, and I’m remembering it
now…with adoption on the table, calling to us gently but persistently. (By the
way, if you want a reliably unkooky tarot card reader, visit http://www.namastetarotreadings.com/.)
Yet,
the reading wasn’t enough to instill complete conviction. Being a person who
approaches life from a logical perspective, I needed a bit more. The next
morning during our coffee couch talking time, Stephen sealed the deal. I was
expressing my concerns and anxiety over the well-documented challenges of
adoption as he was listening and smiling calmly. He eventually interrupted me
to say, “I can’t affirm your fears, because my heart and mind are set on
having our baby.” BAM. Done. I have never ever had a partner who could so
clearly articulate his or her position, especially when in potential opposition
to mine, in such a way that felt at once reassuring and loving and confident.
That very evening we spoke to an agency husband and wife team for 2 hours by
phone and had great confidence that this was the agency for us. We had
conferenced with two others, but this one instilled trust. Trust that we would
be legally safe, that the birthmoms are well-respected and treated lovingly,
that efforts to keep babies in their birth families are first priority, that
they would be responsive and available to guide us every step of the way, that
this was a small operation with very high ratings and a very long track record
of positive outcomes for all parties, and that attention to the intrinsic
nature of adoption (loss for all parties) is not lost or glossed over. So we
signed up for a domestic, local, private, semi-open, newborn adoption. The agency drove long distance to conduct our required home study
visit the very next evening. They spent four ours getting to know our family
and our home. We budgeted and planned, we completed buckets of official paperwork,
we spent one entire Sunday sitting on the couch together with our laptops
drafting a book to be published for the potential birthmoms to read, and we
involved Eva’s input all along the way. We had to decide monumental things like
whether we would accept a baby with this or that health issue, disability,
family history of mental illness, etc. We had to decide what ethnicities and
combination of ethnicities we would accept. We also had to check boxes for
gender preference. It was a thoroughly mind-bending exercise. I read about
effectively raising bi-racial children in white families for a solid week, for
instance, and reported all I was learning to Stephen and Eva for their input.
In the end, we decided to prioritize health over other limitations. We decided
we were capable and willing to conscientiously figure out the rest, though we
were hoping for a girl.
Eva
is excited, though a little sad to enter a change that will affect her current
“only child” status in our household. But she is helping brainstorm names,
nursery ideas, and the vision for her role as big sister. She wants to help
dress the baby, teach the baby words and songs, and take up for her sibling in
the case of bullying. She playfully imagined that if some kid tried to insult
her because she is adopted, that she would “beat them up (big, tough voice)….as
long as they were little kindergarteners (little whisper voice).” The reason
this was so funny is that Eva is literally the most gentle, peace-loving child
we have ever encountered. As kids go, I can’t imagine a better disposition for
sibling-hood than Eva’s.
Stephen
half-jokingly asked me whether I’ve heard from the agency with a birthmother
match yet since just yesterday morning when we submitted our final requirement.
We celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary at dinner last night and had so
much fun talking a little about how great our marriage is and a LOT about our
future baby and how the adoption might go. My mind is on how many cloth diapers
to acquire, how to ensure that I induce lactation in time to feed my baby
exclusively breast milk, what kind of car seat to order, and how to savor rather
than resist the wait! As if I were pregnant, because at least now we know that
a baby is coming our way, I have renewed interest in practicing healthy
self-care and getting plenty of rest. The
excitement is tangible all around us as we enter this 2016 Christmas season. It’s
been a challenging year, but I’ve come to believe that life without challenge
is altogether unsatisfying no matter how many fancy trips you get to take. Let
there be a baby…our baby…in the near future!
